Abusive Relationship – Why Does She Let Him Talk to Her Like That?



Posted: Friday, August 01, 2008

by
Partners in Prevention

What's wrong with her for "letting" him talk to her like that? This is the first thought of an outsider looking in on an abusive encounter of an abusive relationship.

Dr. Phil was interviewing a couple obviously in an abusive relationship. He asked the woman how she felt about her husband saying that he was only staying in the marriage so he wouldn't have to give her child support. When asked how she felt about that, she replied, "I didn't know that."

So again Dr. Phil asked, by saying now you do know, how do you feel about that? As he is asking the camera captures a blank look on the woman's face and audience shots of folks in shock. If words could speak their expression, I'd guess it to be: how can she let him talk to her like this and have no response.

I would venture to say that this woman has become anesthetized to demeaning commentary-void of honoring, dignity and respect-from her partner. Just like the way we acclimate to the onset of winter. You don't go from 100 degrees to single digits.

No. Gradually you are exposed to one assault and by the time you have reconciled it in the context of your relationship, another one is delivered. Eventually over the years it becomes the wallpaper of your relationship wherein you expect your partner to think, feel and act in a rude, condescending, overly critical, unappreciative way.

It is introduced gradually over time. I doubt this woman met her husband and he proposed to her by saying I want to marry you and stay with you so I won't have to pay child support. Get the picture?

The real question here is what is wrong with him that he is behaving as such. Moreover, the challenge for intervention is how can both of these people individually awaken to their toxic relationship and the way in which each supports the status-quo both consciously and unconsciously.

If you recognize yourself in this little vignette, look to the subtle communication patterns of abusive relationships. It will help you shine the light on the mechanics that sustain its ugliness.

And from here, you can know how to change the status-quo and break the cycle of verbal emotional abuse.  For further insight and your own personal answers, see the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals, families and healthcare professionals  recognize and end domestic abuse. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com
This Article has been viewed 237 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
» left by Dianne Lehmann
 3 years 163 days ago.
131 fans.
Hi Dr. King. Good article. Short and to the point. I have a friend (really) who is in just the situation you describe. She has remained with a verbally and emotionally abusive husband for a couple decades. She takes a lot of antidepressants to cope. She isn't innured to his ways so much as she isn't sure she can make it on her own. So she lets him have his way. It's a sad affair, but she is finally breaking out of it. She has a lot of people helping her.
 
I think that more often than not, it is not so much that a woman becomes accustomed to a certain treatment or that they are continuing relationships that were begun in their original homes, as it is a financial thing. They are "imprisioned" by lifestyle or children with no means to support it all on their own. Otherwise, who in their right mind would tolerate such treatment. It's called fear of the unknown and it's frequently easier to live with the devil you know than the devil you don't.
 
Having said my piece, I would like to say that I actually did find your article to be very good and well written.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.